thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
