bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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