let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Semen is not good for contacts.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
