probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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