Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
