I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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