i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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