I met the friendliest cop last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
