Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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