that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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