I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
