I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
