We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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