The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
