I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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