You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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