There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
