6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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