everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
