Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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