I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize