I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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