Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
