my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
