Tell her she can't have a vagina
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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