I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
im six kinds of drunk right now
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
