I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
