Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
