you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
