Fine. I'll sleep in my office
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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