you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
