I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
