Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
