just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
