Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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