I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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