Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
