Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
