You're so nebulous sometimes
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
