you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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