this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
