its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
