The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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