I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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