definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
