Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he was CRYING into my vagina
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
