hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
