Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
