I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize