So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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