I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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