I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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