My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
