I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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