The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
