I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
