he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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