trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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