I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
