just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
