It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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